2018 Washington Injury Translator

So yeah, the Nats aren’t good and that’s an issue and we all know it. Rather than write about how much the injuries suck (a lot) here is my expert effort to compile meaningful injuries and explain what they actually mean without using MLB Injury doublespeak.

For those who say this isn’t accurate, I maintain this is just as truthful as most injury assesments teams put out.

Player Team Explanation/Notes Other Details Nats to English Translation
Joaquin Benoit Strained Forearm , out indefinitely He’s a 40 year old pitcher on the decline with a bad injury We aren’t saying there’s a need to panic but does anyone know if Joaquin has updated his will?
Adam Eaton Ankle Bone Bruise, “Out short term” for “precautionary reasons” blah bla blah please don’t ask us about  when we played him while hurt Adam is patient 0 in the zombie plague but thankfully can’t escape the closet he’s locked in
Koda Glover Elbow Inflammation, 60 day DL What started off as a tweak in the shower in June 2017 has turned into an increasingly bizarre series of rough injures Man, Shawn Kelley will cut any motherfucker who steals his snacks and then cut them again to be safe
Matt Grace Groin Strain “Out a week or two” I mean, probably not too bad of an injury and hopefully he doesn’t die Wieters bet him he couldn’t fellate himself, tried very hard, still did not go well . Will probably try again
Daniel Murphy Recovery from microfracture surgery He’ll see the field sometime in May but this is a tough surgery to come back from as it’s essentially designed as a last ditch effort to save rickety legs Without admitting to anything, are cybernetic implants illegal ? Asking for a friend.
Anthony Rendon Bruised Foot, out for a short period, we swear, not bad at all guys, totally fine Management requests you not mention any instances of them calling an injury minor that then ended up being 80+ games It’s kinda barbaric they didn’t call a priest and perform last rites isn’t it? Being dead likely will still get him a contract extension
Joe Ross Tommy John Surgery, will miss most of the season It’s TJS, maybe he relieves this season, maybe not, we won’t know for another several months The best way to avoid playoff shutdown controversies is to not make the playoffs

ADDENDUM- This team gets injured quicker than my ability to update my injury tracker graphics!

Shawn Kelley –

Nats speak: Ulnar Nerve Irritation (10 day).

Translation: Realized his arm had been possesed by the ghost of Drew Storen,  commissione an exorcism, didn’t read the part of the ritual where his arm gets stabbed

Michael A Taylor

Nats speak: Groin Tightness

Translation: We will pinch hit him once, say he’s fine for a week then put him the DL for lulz

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